Where Atomicans Go Wild

Deep Contemplation

2009-06-15T21:04:00.002+10:00

Okay, So I waited and waited and nobody decided to post. So i'll mix it up a bit with something I wrote just recently while deep in contemplation. It goes something like this:

I think I know how it all works, because it doesn't.
I mean, why else would I be thinking about this?
Why is it such an overwhelming desire to find out how and why it's doing what it's doing?
*I suppose like all things, it has two sides - yin and yang anyone?
Relationships can be seen between every perceivable part of our consciousness . Lets take something completely materialistic for instance, like a... shoe. A shoe has it's highs and lows.. they provide foot protection, but also limit use of your toes. And a battery, well it's size increases with the amount of storage you want. Whatever we consider too large/too small, in-fashion out-of-fashion, long or short is the exact essence of life. That is why it exists.

Now I have this theory that, life is *as I've described*, but it is actually a fair bit older than your mind on it's own.
We have a VERY large consciousness. It is what encases us. It is our melting mesh of existence. A collaborative entanglement of mankind's ideas and developments.
Consciousness is 'recorded' in memories. We do not know how they exist, but they do. We continuously try to use our creativity to find an answer. Queue: WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE! Trying to reach something better while tackling the problems life [time and consciousness], tries to push us away with.
Like a drug.

Before people developed language and started recording what we were doing, we had no need or desire to strive for anything outside of our lifetime.
For arguments sake, a koala eats eucalyptus leaves and is like "hells yeah". Then when the koala dies, it may or may not have offspring, but doesn't even think or need worry about the trees he was eating being there. No need to find out why the leaves were there.. they just kept his tummy full. He didn't look for a consequence, and wasn't left with one.

Let's take the next "smartest" animal on our planet.
Well really, who is it?
For "Smartness" I turn to animals that can directly change their future moreso than others.
The Ape is probably our closest rival, for their ability to use tools to complete otherwise near-impossible tasks. We perceive this as smart, but they don't have the worlds largest brain size, so how does that work?
Well a very comparable brain mass to ours, not even mentioning larger brain masses would be the dolphin.
They have been recorded as very intelligent animals in terms of strategy and communication, but they don't have houses, pogo sticks or blokesworld. They don't want that shit, and they don't need it.
Once their environment changes, there will have to be a mutation/evolution of the prior being, to alter life and maintain the population. This triggers a change in, or the beginnings of consciousness.
Most animals become extinct.

This in itself is an evolution of what we exist in and we are currently on the brink of change. When you have people like Fabio faggin' up the place, you just figure.. EVOLUTION ENDS HERE.
But, avast!
There are genius', pioneering the perceivable future, as we strive for answers and extended TIME. Technological advancements help us tackle tasks faster than possible before, or even make them possible if they weren't.
If i become deaf, I can at least look forward to having a bionic cochlea implant that can match and with time and advancements surpass my previous hearing ability.

* Here's the ultimate scenario for everything. It has no meaning, it can be forgotten and equalized with no adverse repercussions.

And since we started nearing the end of our biological evolution [beginning of speech/conversation], we have developed something that does not really need to exist. It is made through instinct in itself. It sub-consciously chooses what you might do, to prolong the species. Your 6th sense. The main sense.
There is no free will. It exists nowhere but in our consciousness.

All this shit here, doesn't matter. In the end is an ever-evolving species. That is it. You decide to never have kids? It doesn't matter a fuck, because you are just dropped out of consciousness and blended back into that melting mesh of existence. The evolutionary process will continue. If there is more than one, they will battle it out on their search for equality.

The battle is currently with computers. Although as it's been seen with implants, it will be near-seamless. It WILL be near seamless, and shall be this way unless other problems arise – and here it is. The rich and the poor. I am sorry, but if you do not have money, you cannot live for as long as your hybrid/bionic counterpart. You will either split off in search of greener pastures, join the force through some joint movement, or become extinct.

Robots? No. Don't be silly. Robots are not feasible, and this is why I believe the most part of humanity will continue on in it's path through recorded normality.

I can delve a LOT more into this, but it is near infinite only within the confines of the only textual language I know.

Don't fight it.

EDIT:
Well that last post was, quite honestly, very depressing.
I'm sorry about that. I actually wrote that whole thing in one quick burst. I didn't do alot of thinking, it was just fingers tapping away on a keyboard. Reading it now, I'm obviously crazy.

It might make sense on a very broad level, but it's just me trying to define something you can't. You just can't. If we could, there would be no need for any of this.

I also said there is two sides to everything. And there is.
Here's the other side of the entire post.
This is everything in it's entirety. I can't zone out into a place of complete serenity and pureness. I'm not a monk, and if I was I would be like "yo fuck this shit".

So now i'm thinking, well if this is everything, compared to nothing... then this can give me MORE than I could ever imagine on my own.
And as for the end of biological evolution.. Sure. This is true. But our future is NOT bleak.

You know what?
I look forward to being the 6 million dollar man. That is cool. That is something to look forward to! The hate I have for this planet and our people right now equals out by our very impressive future. It's all happening right now and I can't help but be excited.

Blast from the past

2008-06-22T14:13:00.001+10:00

I've just been googling and found this long forgotten haunt. I just want to resurrect it for all of 2 seconds even if nobody reads it :)

A Quick Calabrese Update

2007-11-24T17:08:00.000+11:00

Hey everyone,

Been pretty busy lately. Works a bitch as everyones probably is, and i've had less and less time to actually sit here on this thing.

Actually, i haven't even really been getting out much either. It's been at least 6 months since i went on a date with Darrkon, and it'll probably be another 6 months before he recovers from the last one.

The net was where I used to express myself, and since i haven't been on here all that much lately, i've turned to my guitar.

Here's a song i whipped up with 2 mates, and i reckon 27,000 views in 9 days aint so bad.
Digg it and rate/comment it if you can !
Oh, and if you don't get it, don't try find out ;)

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'll keep you's posted in not-so-close intervals just to give everyone else a chance to post.

Take it easy,
Calabrese

I won!! I really won!!

2007-06-28T20:13:00.000+10:00

http://performance.mazda.com.au/performancedriveday.html

Got the email yesterday, and FUCK YES! it is confirmed, i have won as a driver at the mazda performance drive day!

I get to drive the mazda MX5, RX8, mazda 6 MPS and the mazda 3 MPS.... freely, around Oran Park Raceway.

I'll also get a training session and some hot tips from pro drivers as a hot lap with dickie johnson.

I think maybe this is the coolest thing that has happned to me.

CHEERS!

The life of my Rolla

2007-05-02T12:55:00.000+10:00

So i started off with a Stock 1992 Corolla CSi.
It had a few rust spots and stuff, but everything else was in fantastic nick.

ENGINE:
I, of course, did a full change of all engine/transmission oils/fluids/coolants. Then, Bought a Generic branded Pod Filter.
I have now gone back to the original air box, and ducted in my own Cold air intake with K/N filter. Actually works better than the pod. (problem with the pod is that it is drawing in warm, dirty air from the engine making sluggish throttle response and acceleration.

A full Cat back exhaust was then installed, 2.25" right back to a free-flow exhaust.
4-2-1 Extractors on the way.

MECHANICAL:
First upgrade was wheels.
I threw on a set of 14" Potenzas which grip like a motherfucker and helped me brake harder and faster than the old stockies

I then threw in a new set of GT Gas Shocks, and started on the interior.

INTERIOR:
The interior hasnt really been fixed up much, since everything is near perfect. What I did do though, was install a Corolla SX Dash, and made myself a custom built-in shift light (dash changes from white to blue when i hit 6000-6300RPM.

I also installed a new headunit, and new speakers right round. (6.5" clarion splits up front, 6x9 pioneers at the rear) and a 12" Sony Xplod 1300watt with Custom built box and Response AMP.

-
--
---
--
-

Then, i had a car accident.
A pretty bad accident.

A car hit my drivers door pretty much runing my door and the right hand passenger door/wheelarch.

Luckily there was NO chassis damage.

So off to the shop for insurance to fix the car, when i get told this:
"Through insurance, we will have to replace your drivers and passenger right hand door, and give them a full respray".

My thought were "so half a good looking car? and the rest still shitty?"

I decided to get the whole car sprayed, and while the car was dissasembled i decided to do a few extra things.

I chose a new colour. It's Called Tossablau (dont laugh at the whole tossa blue thing :P ) which is actually a VW colour off the new golf GTi's.
i also got a new windscreen installed and new seals/ trims right round. Got the mirrors sprayed (orginially black) and also got the grille sprayed

right now, im still waiting on the car to get back from the shop.

I went in today for a sneek peek and grabbed a quick shot of the cars new colour... on friday i will take a few more proper photos.

Heres the car at the moment:

So what happens from here? i dont know.

Ill probably throw a set of rims on there with lowered king springs to suit the new paintjob, and ill most likely also get the windows tinted pretty soon.

I'll get back to you's on friday with more pics and details :D

Cheers
-simon

p.s
I am looking for rims, so if anyone has a set laying around let us know? cheers!

DDR in Schools

2007-02-03T12:56:00.000+11:00

Fatties In West Virginia Get DDR Machines

West Virginia must have one hell of an obesity problem, because the state recently decided that a Dance Dance Revolution arcade unit will be put in every public school to curb childhood obesity. Though playing DDR doesn’t make you a better dancer, it’s by all means a great way for those not familiar with exercise or just casual exercise to get a short workout.

A study showed that 50 overweight children, aged 7 to 12, reduced risks like heart disease and diabetes when playing DDR at home for 30-minutes a day, five days a week. With video games increasing in the role the play with students, maybe we’ll see kids playing Wii Sports indoors on rainy days as opposed to just sitting around.

Dance Dance Revolution for every school in W Virginia [Boing Boing]

Ebay Auction :The Life You Have Always Dreamed Of!

2007-01-30T23:08:00.000+11:00

Have a crappy life? The bid on this charity auction for a blog of your imagined (or wished for) exploits over a 30 day period. If you can imagine it, "your" blog will chronicle it daily!

read more | digg story

Flashing before my eyes

2007-01-17T18:16:00.000+11:00

Not a bad start today.

I left home at 6:15am today, for the 40minute drive up to my Boss's place at Hornsby.
I took it nice and easy, not driving too fast, not too slow. Everything was going great.
I hopped onto the Sydney-Newcastle Freeway, as per norm, off of Pennant Hills Road.

After a few minutes of driving, i watch as everyone starts to gain momentum to climb the massive hill which is: Mount Colah.

I drop my car into fourth gear, at 110km/h.
Flat to the floor, i start to accelerate, from about 3600 rev's.
110, 120, 130, 140.. then it happens.

I'm about to hit 5th gear when i look up from my Phone - Hooked up to my headunit, which i had 'Rage Against the Machine- Killing in the Name of' playing through, when i see a car, which was a car infront of the semi, which was infront of me - start to lose control.

The Semi slams on his brakes. He had an empty trailer, so he instantly jacknives.
It takes me a second to react.
I first hit the anchors hard, then depress the clutch to the floor.
The rear-left locks up.
Then, the front-left.

If anyones ever locked up a cars brakes, you know that once your front wheel(s) have locked up, you've got no chance of turning.

So i pull back some pressure off the brakes, and swerve off to the Mount Colah exit.

I'm sure it was only a few seconds, but it seemed time was going so slow.
There was so much shit running through my head like you wouldn't believe.

Due to experience I avoided an accident.

I can see so easily how people kill themselves on the roads.
Sorry P Platers (I am one too), but knowing your cars limitations, handling, and how your car will react in emergency situations - and how to correct them - and the lack of, is the reason why so many of you die each year.

I will be going for an advanced Driver course soon, in my own car.
I think this should be part of the progression to your license.

And that's my two cents for the day.

-Simon.

Wanna See My Brain?

2007-01-11T13:11:00.000+11:00

Some odd things have been happening that I thought was a MS relapse. So today I dqueezed in to see the neurologist (whom I have not seen in about 4 years!). She listens to me mumble on... 6 week long headache, stabbing pain to the eyes, dropping feeling causing adrenalin rushes, nausea, confusion, loss of emotional control, lethargy, sparkly thing that floats around in my vision...

and she goes

"Hmm I can't really equate those symptoms to your MS" ...so she starts doing the usual physical tests and they were all fine

So she books me in for an MRI, which will be the first one I have had since diagnoses
And if that doesn't show anything I have to have a lumbar puncture

Don't know what she is looking for but it doesn't sound pleasant. Especially when she booked me in for the MRI herself for the "earliest possible spot available".

Self-Cleaning Underwear Goes Weeks Without Washing

2007-01-07T20:05:00.000+11:00

By Bill Christensen
posted: 05 January 200709:03 am ET

Self-cleaning fabrics could revolutionize the sport apparel industry. The technology, created by scientists working for the U.S. Air Force, has already been used to create t-shirts and underwear that can be worn hygenically for weeks without washing.T

he new technology attaches nanoparticles to clothing fibers using microwaves. Then, chemicals that can repel water, oil and bacteria are directly bound to the nanoparticles. These two elements combine to create a protective coating on the fibers of the material.This coating both kills bacteria, and forces liquids to bead and run off

.The U.S. military spent more than $20 million to develop the fabric, deriving from research originally intended to protect soldiers from biological weapons.Jeff Owens, one of the scientists who worked to develop the process, said, "During Desert Storm, most casualties were from bacterial infections—not accidents or friendly fire. We treated underwear for soldiers who tested them for several weeks and found they remained hygienic.

They also helped clear up some skin complaints."Science fiction writer Neal Stephenson wrote specifically about nanotech fabrics that stayed clean; he referred to "fabricules" in his 1995 novel The Diamond Age: ...with a quick brush, John and Gwendolyn were able to transfer most of the dirt onto their white gloves. From there it went straight into the air. Most gentlemen's and ladies' gloves nowadays were constructed of infinitesimal fabricules that knew how to eject dirt... (Read more about fabricules)

British news organizations pointed out that an earlier reference to the general idea of clothes that never got dirty can be found in the 1951 film "The Man in the White Suit." Sci-fi fans can console themselves with the fact that the lead role was played by Alec Guiness, who of course played Obiwan Kenobi in the original Star Wars films.

Don't miss these other futuristic clothing advances:

* Fabrican - spray-on clothing

* Chameleon T-Shirts With Electrochromic Polymers

* Carbon Nanofiber Makes Smart Yarn Read more about the fabric here.(This Science Fiction in the News story used with permission from Technovelgy.com - where science meets fiction.)

LiveScience.com - Self-Cleaning Underwear Goes Weeks Without Washing

NetXperiment - Race to a million for MS...DIGG IT!

2007-01-05T11:22:00.000+11:00

Someone started to DIGG NetXperiment!

To DIGG it too, click on the bookmark link and select DIGG...

read more | digg story

Terragen 2 Technology preview

2007-01-02T22:57:00.000+11:00

My first render with this beastly revision on the old 0.9

2007-01-02T07:43:00.000+11:00

I developed DeQuervain's Tenosinuvitis in my right wrist during my pregnancy with Nubbit. It never went away. I'm supposed to wear a wrist guard when working but I lost one of them and they itch (due to sweating) when on so I tend to leave them off. It's also a pain in the arse seeing as my hand is in water much of the day (I'm a cleaner).

For the most part it's been OK. The worst pain is on waking when it has locked up with cramping but twisting it for a minute, though painful, frees it. At other times it's only the occasional shooting pain when I move it the wrong way or bump the side of my wrist. Until now anyway. I tried to do some ironing yesterday (I have around 6 hours a week of ironing) and I couldn't. Not only has my wrist gotten worse but there's a pain radiating from my right shoulder down to it. I use to have hell with that shoulder for years but it went away when I started studying IT and quit my biggest job.

So, next step is cortisone injections in my wrist. I used to have them in the AC joint of my shoulder and they worked a treat. Hopefully they do again. Surgery comes next. I like that option. I think I've developed a spur in my left heel too so getting rid of that would also be great.

I don't want to give up cleaning. I enjoy it.

Spent wants another child. Pregnancy absolutely ruined me last time. Could it get worse a second time?

It May Be Quiet In Here

2006-12-28T23:03:00.000+11:00

But over there at NetXperiment it is all happening!

Main site www.NetXperiment.com
Blog site www.NetXperiment.com/wordpress
Squidoo Site : www.Squidoo.com/NetXperiment
MySpace site : www.MySpace.com/NetXperiment

Look out for news releases and other stuff!

Aww Cute

2006-12-21T23:06:00.000+11:00

ROFLCAT - Funny Cat Pictures, Funny Forum Images

The Great NetXperiment

2006-12-16T22:11:00.000+11:00

OK kiddies we have been waiting around toooooo long for this to get off the ground. I must say I am disappointed that schedules have just not worked out, but as someone said once somwhere (and I can't remember where I saw it) you don't get tested when you haven't been given the skills to pass.

And so I have been keeping my frustration and ire at bay by watching Heroes and Dexter and other interesting TV shows that have been filling the time I had slotted for promotion and publicity if the site. This will also mean I will be ultrastressed over the enxt couple of weeks while I deal with my real job, this project and Christmas...gahhh!

Anyway for those that are wondering why I am posting here... it is because I want to get Technorati to recognise this as a blog post about the Great NetXperiment . When it does, the Squidoo dedicated to the site will get a tiny fraction more content :)

If you want to check out the Squidoo page please do but I want you to do the following

Rate the lens by clicking on the appropriate star level you think it deserves (of course a 5 will mean it moves quicker up the popularity level)

And leave a note in the guestbook!

So go here NOW :D

http://www.squidoo.com/netxperiment/

Now Click This

2006-12-11T14:28:00.000+11:00

This

Sleepy Bo Bos

2006-12-11T07:57:00.000+11:00

My darling little nubbit...

The usual nighttime routine is that she wakes and cries around 2 - 3am and I go in and put her in the single bed with me where she snuggles in and goes straight back to sleep. Once asleep I move her towards the wall and go to sleep too.

About 7am she starts thrashing about, pushes into me, grizzles then dozes repeatedly. After about 1/2 an hour of this I get up and wouldn't you know it, she goes straight back to sleep.

I think there's some male in that girl!

Some Concepts Are Breath-Taking

2006-11-19T18:39:00.000+11:00

I do love the concept of this blog

I think we all can relate to that feeling of wanting to plant something we have created, that is sharp and cutty, into someone's face.

I note they have not chosen people of the feminine gender...why no Amanda Vanstone?

WTF? Look at the Kid's Chin

2006-11-17T13:28:00.000+11:00

Buy a gun' day under fire | NEWS.com.au

Love This

2006-11-11T13:56:00.000+11:00

From here

The Internet Is A Wonderful Place

2006-11-10T19:10:00.000+11:00

Where else can you find a comic book on how to pick locks!

HERE

P.S. I can't wait for Comic Life to come out for Windows!

BIG Day Today

2006-11-04T15:39:00.000+11:00

Today was a big day in the project creation phase. Today I chose a web animator/graphics person to do the work needed for the site.

Don't know if you guys have heard of elance.com but I liked the idea of an almost tendering process to get people to bid on the work I wanted done. I received responses from all over the world (quite a few from India not suprisingly) but went with a local Australian guy who happened to have a special connection to the project.

I need to get my head around a bit more of the project over the weekend to ensure that everything goes to plan.

*excited*

2006-10-29T08:12:00.001+11:00

Sage Francis Dance Battle - Part 1

The intern reminds me of my son for some reason.....totally scary but funny

2006-10-29T08:12:00.000+11:00

Part 2

So Did You Find It?

2006-10-28T18:05:00.000+10:00

Hmmm?

Dilemma

2006-10-27T07:19:00.000+10:00

OK See here's the thing. I'll tell you the goal if you all promise to help me get to the goal.

Helping will mean being my little spam fairies and talking up my goal to whoever is in your circle of influence. I see it as planting the seed here and then it spreading out and covering the whole world like ...well not like a weed, because it is a good thing not a bad thing...but you know :)

So here is my goal.

I will raise $1 million for MS research by December 31st 2007.

And how am I going to do that?
www.OneMillionWishes.org
The easy way!

By having 1 million people donate $1 each.

There will be a whole package around donating that $1 and that is what isn't completed yet. *fingers crossed* it will up and ready by December 1st 2006. Of course it is internet based.....reaching 1 million people + for free is probably impossible any other way.

I KNOW I will make this goal. I KNOW there will be some hard work along the way. I also KNOW I can't do it alone. It will take all of the networking skills, marketing skills, PR skills etc that YOU and I have.

Now you have read this far I know you will help me with this.

And some where in this post is a clue

Damn Lies

2006-10-26T17:55:00.000+10:00

OK so someone made it to this blog searching for Tubgirl Miniatures on AOL. I don't know what is more shocking...tubgirl or AOL...wish you could put polls up in blogger *runs off to find some code*

Bahh too hard when Blogger doesn't like java or css or ASP or anything

And my post yesterday was our 250th post!

YAY!

Oh by the way...yes I am back!

Grand Announcement Is So Nearly Here I Can Smell It

2006-10-25T19:21:00.000+10:00

I am working on the biggest project of my life and I have ZERO experience with what I am doing ....but I am not letting that stand in my way.

We have all seen the kind of inspirational stuff that floats around on the internet (this was the latest one to make me cry) and thought wow those people are amazing and I am just an ordinary person. How do they do that?

Well I have decided that I am going to be extraordinary....not extra ordinary....which is how I have felt about my life for quite a while.

So what did I do?

I set a goal.

A HUGE goal.

A MAGNIFICENT goal.

This goal is going to take all of my ingenuity, skill, friendships, networks, PR, cajoling.

It's going to need your help *points at all the regular readers*

I know you are still out there! I can see the stats from the site...sneaky devils popping in for a quick read then popping out again.

I am just not sure whether to announce the goal now and let people mull over it. Or save it up for the big announcement.

Decisions decisions

TEST

Cops are Tops!

2006-10-19T16:11:00.001+10:00

Have you ever had one of those nights, where you are so bored... you think you are going insane?

Last Saturday night, i felt a bit like that. I had nothing to do, and the boredom was making me go insane!

So, what did i do? I called up some friends, of course. BOOYA! off to Penrith Aqua Golf!

So we went off to Aqua Golf at about 8:00. It's about a half hour drive 0ut there, so we started playing a few goes around 8:30 or so. Nothing too exciting (well actually, i hit the $100 target, but i had no witnesses :[ so no money), so off we headed home.

But fuck, it's saturday night. Why are we going home?

We decided to just drive around a bit. Maybe the school gates were left open? maybe we could go DOOORRIFFFTOOOOO in an open oval? But no, no fucking luck.

So there we were just driving around in circles, when we saw the park which one of my mates in the car worked at, with about 20 or so teenagers
at the pavillion and on the roof and stuff.

We didn't know what the fuck was going on, so we drove around the other side of the oval, and saw the HUGE amounts of grafiti they had done.

Those motherfuckers had been grafitiing that pavillion for ages, and no-one had caught them before.. so my mate decided to call the cops.

There we are, sitting in a side-street waiting for a copper to turn up and tell them all to gtfo... when all of a sudded we saw the high beams of 4 stationary cop cars illuminate.

Jesus! 3 cop cars and a paddy wagon! and they were fucking in there, and had those pricks circled with battons waving.

Us 3 sitting in the car are like "HELL YEA!" and decided to drive round to where the cop cars were to tell them some info.

As we start getting closer we see a cop jump out of the car, macho style waving his flashlight at us.

"STOP THE CAR! WHO ARE YOU?!"

Then, he pulls out his pistol and points it at the front right tyre (or me?).

SHIT! I slam on the brakes.

He comes over to the car, now with his pistol in his holder, and his batton in hand.

"STEP OUT OF THE CAR NOW!" He yells.

My mate looks at him out the rear window and tell him, bloody hell mate! we are the ones that called this in!

So the cop thinks for a second, looks at us, and then continues to put his batton away.

At this stage we were pretty shocked and the cop car explains the whole thing about whats happening with the graffitti artists and the like.

Apparently they have one guy, who deny's having anything to do with the "artwork" even though his hands were covered in paint and shit. Most of the other kids were sitting on the gutter near the coppers crying like a bunch of faggots, scared that the cops are gonna call their mummies.

We ended up being told to leave, just leaving out number with the cops.

I think it was probably the most shitscared i've ever been around a cop, apart from the time i drove past a RBT station, half drunk.

And there we have it! My Saturday night.

Grand Announcement Coming Soon!

2006-10-17T19:22:00.000+10:00

Soon = sometime in the next 2 months

2006-09-24T22:31:00.000+10:00

Raising the Dead

2006-09-21T22:24:00.000+10:00

Yup.

Time to unwrap the mummy that this blogger has unfortunately become.

I'm tired. I've been doing a bit too much...

But I'm happy with that.

Did you know that Choline Bitartrate supposedly aids memory? Pity I keep forgetting to take some :(

Here's a lovely picture of my gorgeous little Nubbit.

Smurfs

2006-07-30T23:15:00.000+10:00

Ever wondered where the hell baby smurf came from? I did so I googled.

http://bluebuddies.com/help/smurf_names_and_list_of_the_smurfs.htm

Smurfette was created by Gargamel! Fascinating shit!

Ooooh Ain't He Hot!?!

2006-07-13T19:37:00.000+10:00

Someone posted on the forums my new favouritist link of the week. For you older types out there who remember what it was like to have lived through the joy that was the 80's and who loved the music, this link ---> here <--- will take you back to big hair, pirate clothes and cute pasty english guys.

Oh my god I had forgotten the mad crushes I endured, Adam Ant (whom my sister liked so I pretended disdain but he filled my hormone drenched nights), the dimples on the lead singer from Haircut 100 *sigh*

Just as an FYI...I saw the Psychadelic Furs in a venue in Brighton, England in 1984ish and made out with a boy in a bus stop, but was too much of a good girl to do any more, even though he wanted to.

Fugmeithurts!

2006-06-28T01:15:00.000+10:00

One of my bottom right molars needs a root canal. It first gave me grief about 2 years ago and the dentist put a temporary filling in and said to wait because it might calm down. It did after a week of agony. Since then it has flared up 3 times. I wanted it pulled (can't afford a root canal) on day 1 but everyone talked me out of it. I still want it pulled. It's not worth the recurrent pain.

I hate toothaches. The dentist said I'll have lots of problems with my teeth. They're just not resilient and I have fillings in most of my molars. Mum only has a few of her own teeth left and that's been the case since her early 20's. I suppose I'm lucky to have all but 1 at 33 ( I asked to have that one pulled instead of filled).

Oh well. I think sleep will elude me for a while longer despite Panadeine Forte :(

And This Little Piggy

2006-06-17T17:45:00.000+10:00

HaunT and I visited a financial planner on Friday. He has recommended stuff that makes me VERY happy. Hurrah for going ahead and buying our retirement block and retirement home.

Building the house.

I have decided that where ever it is within my power I will be as environmentally and power conservationisty as possible.

So the house will be built of strawbales like the ones here. Strawbale building is not a new age type of building, and I guess it is only human nature that equates straw with "flimsy" and that it would blow away in the wind....not so when you have a couple of tonnes of render and a roof on it...

Speaking of wind, we will combining this with this. I gues by now you have figured out that this house will not be in suburbia. Yep this is for a country house. On as many acres as possible. Which means no services...so hopefully they have a solar version of this or we could go with my old favourite which is this ( you have no idea how excited thinking about effluent makes me!)

Alas unless there is some kind of miracle, all my self sufficency (yes choocks and potatoes and all of that country stuff) monetary savings will be burned up by having to pay for 2 way satellite internet. Currently it is about $150 a month for just a couple of hundred meg! Fuck that!

Oh and also I will be able to follow one of my longest held dreams. To breed Dexter cows...a miniature breed who are so cute (and expensive, and loved by the japanese dead and sliced into mini steaks)

Hey guys and gals

2006-06-15T16:26:00.000+10:00

...remember me ?

After a considerable absence from the world of Atomic and blogging in general, I finally decided to post something.

I left Atomic several months ago, during the Green Room subscription brouhaha, yet not because of it. I left because Atomic was becoming an uncontrollable addiction. Like many Atomicans, I used to stay up all night, mindlessly clicking the refresh button to check for new posts. I would forget to eat, drink, sleep and perform all the usual bodily functions designed to keep the human body working as it should. I was out of control.

So I added my farewell post to the dozens of others, and took my leave.

You may be interested to know that since quitting, I've made a number of changes in my life. I've (practically) completed uni, I'm now employed as a PHP developer, I've taken up photography as a hobbie. I've also finally gotten my drivers license, only about 8 years too late (much to the excitement of my girlfriend).

Most recently, due to a medical condition I've been forced to make some lifestyle changes, mainly concerning diet. I've had to cut down on a lot of things, including coffee (damn that was hard - believe me), but generally I feel better for the change.

One of the main reasons I wanted to post was I'm looking for support from the Atomic community for a project I am working on in my spare time. Its called CerebralStorm, the basic premise of which is a website designed to facilitate the discussion and brainstorming of software/web/multimedia project ideas. I know there are a number of developers amongst the Atomic community, and so I am after the support of the community in the form of comments, suggestions and feedback on the project, as well as performing some testing for me.

The site (www.cerebralstorm.net) is in very early stages of production, but if you are willing to help out on this endeavour, please email me (khendar at gmail dot com). Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Take it easy people.

khendar.

Mid week update

2006-06-09T00:06:00.000+10:00

Three days into my new job and I'm liking it. Truly the best company I have ever worked for and the first place that actually seemed 'adult' in all their policies rather than the childish 'your break is now, you do this here, this is that' and so on. Instead I don't even have set hours, you work what is required to get the job done.

Another example is the ethic towards problem solving. i.e. I pick up on your error and call you about it. Instead of other places where I've worked we're it's been a battle of wills as to who will solve the problem (the creator or the person finding it) it's a collaboration of minds to find the best solution and prevent it. The people are so open and great with responsibility.

I guess the only bad thing at this stage will be if this initial view comes back to bite me in the arse later, if things take a dive for the darker side. Oh, and the monthly pay cycle - I need to learn to budget fast!

Nice people I'm working with, nice people company wide it seems, Looking at grabbing a new portable media player now that I'm doing the public transport hustle again in peak hour. The Zen Vision M looks mighty nice and it's priced just under the 30Gb iPose Video - goddamn white headphone wearer's everywhere!

There's Something Wrong

2006-06-08T17:55:00.000+10:00

Occasionally I will stop doing things around the house. Stop doing the washing, stop changing the toilet rolls, stop going to the office. Well maybe it is more than occasionally, but it is definitely not regularly.

Anyway I recently stopped doing things again. And one of the things I stopped doing is buying food. Now no one else will buy food. Haunt would not eat at all if he didn't have to and the kids, well being teenagers they still expect everything to be provided at no effort to them.

But tonight I will have to go shopping again because the fridge is bare. Bare but for a packet of smoked salmon(!?!), an easter egg from 2004 and 3 litres of milk (that is there because I asked Haunt to buy it on the way home from work.

I guess the smoked salmon means that now we are a 2 income family I don't feel guilty about buying myself treats as much (and the salmon would be gone if my sister hadn't eaten my CCs while I was at a gaming event).

On the plus side...I guess I could wipe the fridge out while there isn't anything to move around in it.

On A Jaunt

2006-06-02T20:54:00.000+10:00

Haunt and I are crazily driving 5 hours down to almost the border tomorrow, to go look at a property. It sits on 100 acres (like where the heffalumps lived!) close to both snow and beach (an hour each way I am guessing). We will have a chance to have a quick look then drive the 5 hours back because Haunt starts work at 7am Sunday morning.

I have this bad feeling that the block is not zoned for building or something because it seems insanely cheap....

Where Did All The Time Go?

2006-05-31T19:27:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow will be the last day of my tablets. Taking myself off of them (yes I tapered off, no I didn't talk to the doctor before doing it). No they haven't been bad, I felt OK on them, but I don't think I need them any more. Simple.

So why am I back here? I dunno. I am in the house alone as Haunt is off on nightshift, the kids are at their father's and the internet is capped. Seems as good a reason as any.

I have been working harder than I have worked in the last 5 years at where I am employed. 10-12 hour days, doing stuff I have no idea about, trying to swim my way through. I am currently also acting as boss of my old department, while my old boss is hiking in Peru. It's been hectic and exhilarating, rewarding and stressful as hell.

My inner voice went berserk and now wakes me up regularly at 4:30am to start talking at me about what I need to do that day. Inner voice is very lucid and has some awesome ideas for getting a head at work. Inner voice should shut the fuck up and let me sleep till 6:30am and THEN wake me up!

I have also been having some great ideas for stuff...again. One is a TV sitcom screenplay I am going to try and write. ... Hmm I might go off and start that now. I'll keep you posted!

Working Class Man

2006-05-31T19:25:00.000+10:00

Working hard to make a living... seeking shelter from the rain..

That's the mood ive been in, you know why? 'cause im a working man now peoples.

Oh and about the rain thing, yeah it was fucking pissing down today.

So yeah, im a working man now. I got a job through electro-group and im working out with a company called DataTech (or CJ Grose) and we are out at the university of sydney for the time being.

It's been pretty good, i have to say. The money's not fantastic but its a great learning curve for me.

The guy im working for is this russian dude thats been living in Australia for something like 8 months. He knows fuck all enlish and i know fuckall Russian. So Some things are lost in translation. you know, 'i feel like coke'= 'i feel like cock' or something along the lines of that.

We've been installing all these new servers into a new server room and the boss there gave me permission to walk around the place and have a look at all the cool stuff.
I look in the back corner of the room and i see this box. A BIG box with HP written all over it. I open it up. BOOYA! about 300, 500gb harddrives... i was so tempted to take one. I didn't, and im happy i didnt, cause he counted them once he opened the box for himself.

What else happened? no fucking much but i've made some good friends and stuff at tech and im starting to understand the russian bloke (kinda) so some works getting done around the joint.

If anyone happens to be interested, theres some photos of the work ive been doing Here.

Cheers guys (and gals), and have a good one.
-Calabrese`

Been away...

2006-05-30T21:48:00.000+10:00

...Far too long. Back for the mandatory update after such a sabbatical.

New job (at long last Centrelink cries) starting on 5-6th June. Data Integrity officer with DiData - I worked with them while at AAPT when we were upgrading routing software and they were great. Sounds like it will be interesting and being on a 6 month contract will make me work harder to get a permanent position, hopefully I can pull a move like I used at AAPT and make myself indispensable.

Family all seems well, except maybe my uncle who I have been giggling at. 4842 Plants! Personally I've been a bit down with everything but the prospect of a new workplace and new people has got me filled with that nervous excitement from top to toe.

I've taken some photos I'm happy with, wrote some things that haven't been finished and read a lot of books. My favourite would be Boston Terran's God is a bullet. This book imprinted itself heavily on my mind with it's graphic intensity and fast paced brutal story of love, loss and an alternate America bubbling away under the surface. A sure-fire five star recommendation, I can't really compare it to anything I've ever read before in terms of subject matter and style.

I finally picked up a pencil again about a month ago and started sketching, I still suck but I did get a great idea for a painting and broke out the oils and re-used some canvas from old. Worked pretty well and has pride of place in our second lounge now (photo to come shortly).

Well that's about it for me now, if I don't post again assume that I was devoured by some kind of divine femmemonster in my sleep or I have sunken back into sloth in blog updates.

Anyone Home

2006-05-20T08:54:00.000+10:00

So, how is everyone? Does anybody ever check here anymore or am I all alone?

My Blog

2006-04-02T18:21:00.000+10:00

Just thought I'd log into my blogger.

Wha? It's not my blog? Well it sure feels like it. Where is everybody???

Down to business...

I'm back to casual cleaning. Enjoying it too. It's nice to have my body back. Pity I can't use it to it's full effect seeing as I'm usually busy being a cow or cleaning house.

I wanted to go for a ride this weekend but unfortunately we've had to go out both days. Fitness seems so far away :(

Harmony is still a much easier baby than Caitlin. She has a little bit of colic but it's the real sort. It's interesting. Whilst Caitlin spent her first 3 months crying and tired, I can see Harmony learning. She desperately wants her body to work...I can see that. She also toys with us. She'll cry for attention and when none is forthcoming she'll calm down for a second, half open her eyes until she sees us and then start again. She also plays games with her dummy and loves mirrors. She's also learned some wild vocal noises by sucking from the back of her throat.

Ever since I had Harmony I've craved cigarettes again. Sometimes the urge doesn't go away for hours. I wish it would stop.

Anyways, I'm boring. I'll post if anything newsworthy happens.

Off To See The Wizard

2006-03-17T19:45:00.000+11:00

I'm off to see mum tomorrow. Spent and she kinda had a falling out and I've missed her. I am sooo looking forward to it. I won't go into what happened but I will say that it made for a pretty sorry time. It's pretty sad when the people you love most don't get along.

Anyways, apart from some breastfeeding problems and a current case of conjunctivitis, Harmony is one of those 'easy' babies. She's so cool to watch when she's awake too. She hosts a million and one strange facial expressions.

I'm back riding my bike. I'm terribly out of shape and overweight again but I'll get there. I'm also going to return to cleaning in a week or so.

Lastly, I don't know about anyone else but I miss Gramyre's presence around here.

The Mini Newt Is Born

2006-03-09T08:05:00.000+11:00

Welcome Harmony Mae

Born 3.40 Sun 5th
Weight 9.55 pounds

Congratulations Sacrificial Newt and Spent!

Rove comes to Calabrese

2006-03-06T19:50:00.000+11:00

Oh, My, God.

Tomorrow night, on the 7th of March, The whole of the Tv Show 'Rove Live' will be filmed in the house across the road from me.

They have been here all today, the crew setting up all the lights, props etc. It's been pretty crazy and unreal.

I have pics here.

I also will have a stream setup and running, and refreshing every 10 or so seconds... depending on what happens, you should be able to see a majority of the show.

The stream can be found here.

I should have it up most of the night.

If i get a chance to do a shoutout, leave a comment with your name/alais and ill try add you to the list :P

Cheers
Calabrese

Yeehaaaaa!

2006-02-28T17:51:00.000+11:00

All Saints is back on tonight :D

Today hip hop saved a life

2006-02-22T11:32:00.000+11:00

Okay, I lied, but I did have The Herd playing when I arrived - I was only 19(Redgum).

Coming back from the fortnightly migration to Centrelink I spied a pair of legs sticking out from the trees and a pair of yapping dogs. The dogs lived a few houses away - we have constant barking contests because the fucker's will never shut up when I pass. As I got to the legs another guy showed up with his dog and tantrums were had by all the canines trying to establish dominance.

So I take a look and it's the old fellow who owns the dogs, face down beside the bushes trying to push himself up and doing a pretty good impersonation of Stephen Hawkings after having been pushed out of his wheelchair. I started talking to him and he was grunting (which isn't suprising out here, there's a lot of people who don't really truck with much English), the other guy had let his dog go, so now all three were dancing around sniffing arses.

We try and help the old boy up and he seems cognizant but pretty weak, we try and help him - one under each shoulder - to his house two doors down and then his staggering legs totally give out and he's gone. We lay him down. I throw my phone to the other guy and tell him to call and ambulance, check the old blokes vitals and roll him onto his side - he's breathing and got a pulse but he's not there and his false teeth look to be falling out.

Ambulance on the way we wait and suddenly the whole neighborhood is surrounding us asking what's going on. After answering the same question a few times I tell the next guy that shows up it was a drive-by shooting and he's a Mafia Don. We giggle a bit and the old fellow's breathing gets a bit stronger, he opens his eyes again and people are saying soothing things about how it's going to be alright.

The ambulance gets there in okay time and people rush out their explanations of what happened, which suprises me since the two of us who were there first barely get a chance to speak, finally we manage to tell one of them what actually happened. The old bloke is on the stretcher and his dog's running wild, I grab one and the guy who bought his own dog to the party grabs the other - snappy bastard takes a bit of skin off my wrist but I've got it - we shove them through the gate and snap it closed.

People are still standing around talking as the ambulance drives away, the other guy grabs his dog and heads one way, I head the other and the crowd is still there. I pop my headphone's back in to find a Hilltop Hoods song playing and walk away.

Damn that seemed surreal - and just a little scary when he just passed out, I thought the bastard was done for. Thankfully saving lives isn't a big part of my job description so it doesn't happen too often.

Creative Streak- Level Two

2006-02-20T19:23:00.000+11:00

So, Only a day between posting, and i've already gone and done something else.

This time, i have been trying to get my desktop to a standard at which if i have any unexpected atomicans turn up on my doorstep i can go 'YEAH I KNOW, IT TOTALLY PWNS HEY'.

I first created a little apps toolbar which has games, programs, etc.
Heres a pic of it when i started, before the toolbar.
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/1400x1050_85hz.JPG

And heres a pic of the App's toolbar down the bottom:
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/AppsToolbar.JPG

I then got into the whole google sidebar thing. God, i hate that resource whore so much now:
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/GoogleSidebar.jpg

Then came this, out of nowhere i created this Wallpaper which still ranks up high in my 'Most favourite things ever made in the whole universe ever, ever'
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/CalabresePwn2560x1600.jpg
(I have resized versions of this if you wish to use it on a different aspect ratio. Leave a comment and i will get back to you).

Then came Y'z Dock and Y'z Shadow. This is the result:
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/CalabreseNewDesktop2.jpg

Right now, my desktop is pretty much the same, except for one thing.
I was chatting to Seal today on #atomicmpc and he told me about 'Samurize'.
I decided to go download it, and within 2 hours, i had created a sidebar, completely customised and looking fan-fucking-tastic. Here it is:
http://members.optusnet.com.au/dianacalabrese/MySidebar.JPG

So there we have it, another day of shit Calabrese did.

Oh, and also. Inbetween post's, i went and bought one of those 'temporary' carports from supercheap auto.
I made a time-lapse video of us setting it up... it doesn't look very fast, but its actually running at 20x the normal rate:
http://members.optusnet.com.au/dianacalabrese/Carport_Lapse.wmv

How's that?
Let me know. I'll be hanging around for comments, so please, if you do happen to read my post's leave a comment so i know someones reading them :)
Otherwise i'm sure i'll stop posting and go back to being a bludger again.

Cheers,
Calabrese

Calabrese's Creative Streak

2006-02-18T22:05:00.000+11:00

Long time, no posts :(
Here we go

I dropped out of school at the end of 2005.

The HSC just wasn't my thing. Instead, I went for an Electrotechnology Pre-Apprenticship test.
I got the results for it, thing is, the course starts halfway through March. So i've had alot of spare time to myself...

First thing i decided to do was some photoshopping.
I took some static shots of varius different things, change a variable, then took another photo. I then took it into photoshop and did some things.

Heres the first set of what i did, Here, here, here and here OR: (may need to copy/paste links)
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/SeeThru2.jpg
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/WalkThruCorollaSmall.jpg
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/WalkThruCorollaSmall2.jpg
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/Test2small.jpg

Once i had done those i thought to myself.. What else could i do?

I thought, what about video?
I started to record random shit, and i started with this, OR:
http://users.tpg.com.au/atoa/Heaven.wmv

Then this. OR:
http://users.tpg.com.au/atoa/Download2.wmv

I then did this and this because i wanted to OR:
http://users.tpg.com.au/atoa/Test1small.wmv
http://users.tpg.com.au/atoa/CalabreseViewSmall.wmv

Mind you, each of these videos were done in a matter of minutes. It was something that just popped into my head and i decided to do it.

After all this i decided to relax and play game. I'd heard some good reveiws about GT Legends and i decided to download the demo to try it out.
After playing it with my MOMO for about an hour or so, i thought to myself, 'this game is good, but it needs something... something my momo doesnt have'. Then it hit me, A CLUTCH!

So there i was, off to the shed with the intention of building a clutch.
I cut a peice of fibreboard, grab an old joysick, and some Cat5 and ribbon cables.
My old joystick just happened to have a throttle on the side of it, (just a slider you move up and down for flight sims) so i took that idea, and ran with it.

I extended the slider with Cat5 cabling (right amount of wires for the job) and soldered up all the joints.
Once done, i ended up with this, OR:
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/Throttle_Clutch.JPG

The problem was that the cat5 wiring is very rigid and snaps easily, so i ended up using an old IDE ribbon cable from the control, to a point where it would be better to join with the cat5 where it wouldnt be moving as much.

The next day, i started assembly. I wasnt going to do anything permanent as it was just something to do for fun, so i just grabbed an old peice of aluminium, cut it to size and bent it a little for a better feel.
I then mounted it onto the peice of wood i had cut and checked to see if it was swivelling ok.
All good so far.

Next thing was to connect the actual pedal to the slider.
I drilled a 1mm hole through the slider tab and did 2 holes of the same diameter on the pedal.
I then grabbed a peice of rigid steel wire and looped it through the hole on the pedal and slider.
Worked great.
One problem... It wont return!

Off the the peg basket i was.
Grabbed 2 pegs and pulled out the inner spring.
Drilled 4 holes next to eachother on the pedal to create a slot to accomodate the spring, and did the same on the wood at the bottom, and the same on the opposite side.

Fantastic!
Heres some pics of the clutch so far, remember that this is only a prototype, as to see if it would actually work. Here, and here. Or:
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/Prototype1.JPG
http://calabrese.sphosting.com/Prototype2.JPG

Next thing, In-Game testing and calibration.

1. GT Legends
This was fantastic, picked up the control straight away and configured itself properly
When i first played, the clutch was very high up and soft, so i just set the deadzone up a bit so it would engage quicker.
Results? All i could do was race with a big fat smile on my face! It was tops, especially in GT L where i could stall the car, and clutch start it while rolling down the hill again :P

2. Live For Speed S2
This game has to be my all time fav. Great cars, nice graphics, realistic handling and fantastic multiplayer action.
One problem with this game is that you cannot stall the car in the game. For some reason, even with the auto-clutch and all help 'off', when i stopped the car it would sit there with the clutch on.
Apart from this, the gaming exp. was great. Being able to slowly let the clutch slip and you drop down gear, or ride the clutch while accelerating up a hill was great fun.

I am actually about to rebuild the clutch tomorrow, ill start by actually attatching it to the side of my existing pedals, and probably having the clutch fulcrum 10-15 cm below the actual footrest. This way it will feel more realistic.

I also need to revise the springs. I need them to be strong and hard, even harder than the Brake on the momo pedals which can be tough to get to the floor.

And there we have it. About a weeks worth of creativity from my mind.

If theres anything you think i should do, or something that may help me out, please leave a comment so i know :)

I'll try keep posting about my progress on a few other projects i will start soon, but for the time being, Cheers.

Calabrese.

Nearly There!

2006-02-14T22:25:00.000+11:00

17 days to go...supposedly.

Please make it come early!

Precautions for the IT serveroom

2006-02-07T19:02:00.000+11:00

Hi All,
I know its been a long while since I posted in here, but I have been flat fucking stick with my new job and shit. Anyway, I took time out today to lecture on the importance of thinking through your battery backup systems for a server room, after an incident occured at work last night.

The power in our office neighborhood failed for some hours last night, but we have a UPS powered off another UPS, which provides ample runtime for just about everything in the server room. This is approximatley 25 - 30 machines of varying sizes, plus the secondary UPS itself. (The primary UPS is downstairs).

The UPS worked flawlessly, and kept all of the systems running for several hours before giving out. The problem was that no one was there to shut anything down gracefully and more importantly, A UPS DOES NOT RUN THE AIRCON...

When I came into the office (which is almost totally empty since everyone else has relocated), I could smell rotten eggs, which I assumed was some kind of sewerage or plumbing problem. As I got closer to the server room though, the smell got worse.
I noticed all of the backup drive lights were in a state that suggests they were not finished backup (bad sign) and the UPS was beeping with a red error light.

The situation was that the servers had continued to run for a couple of hours with no airconditioning, and the room had become so hot, the UPS inside the server room batteries had balooned out to a point where we had to pull apart the UPS chassis to remove the modules.. two of the batteries had split their casing and the smell was because of the acid... and let me tell you, it stank like crap.

The moral of the story is, make sure your bloody servers shut down when the UPS kicks in for more then a few minutes.. this could have gone a lot worse then it did.

Cheers,
Darrkon

Still Alive!

2006-02-03T07:04:00.000+11:00

Yar yar. It's official! I have a stress, leading to anxiety, based depression *breaks out the streamers and party poppers* . Stress, my Kryptonite, had finally lowered all of my natural defences and whammo, all of the stuff that I could normally do and cope with, have become way too much.

But yeah reading what I have been posting for a while would have made that probably patently clear.

Citalopram hydrobromide.
The chemical name for citalopram hydrobromide is (±)-1-[3-(dimethyl amino)propyl]-1-(4-fluorophenyl)-1,3-dihydroisobenzofuran-5-carbonitrile hydrobromide.

C20H21FN2O,HBr
Molecular weight: 405.3
Cas No.: 59729-32-7

I Did Something Today

2006-01-28T18:38:00.000+11:00

Four loads of washing and four hours in Molten Core. Onyxia tomorrow and getting kids ready for school on Monday. Back to the regimented life for them. This next week will be a chorus of whinging about teachers and subjects before it calms down into a pleasant hum.

Decision Day

2006-01-27T20:54:00.000+11:00

* Decided to make an appointment with a psychologist that is free through work
- Followed through and made the appointment for Tuesday arvo. Felt great after doing it.

*Decided to make a go with an alt account on the Atomic forums to see if I could stomach staying there
- Decided I couldn't, and have removed myself wholly and permanently from the forums. Staying around something that I get so angry with I feel sick every time I visit it just isn't very smart.

I Am Still Broken

2006-01-26T09:20:00.000+11:00

What can I say. I came good for a week or so but again my ship is foundering on the rocks. It is not sadness as such. I am only sad when I think about how sad I feel (not much of this is going to make sense to those who haven't felt this way). I can still perform my work, but my driving spark has died down somewhat. It does feel a bit like grief and at the same time not like grief.

I know for sure I am incredibly angry. Angry at my partner for still not having a job and his inability to just go out and get one. Angry that I have to carry everyone on my back if anything is to get done. Angry at a someone who is so out of touch with his "community" that he doesn't realise that the opportunity he once had is gone forever now. It could have been great, what a waste. And angry mostly at myself because I am not the average run of the mill type of person, but I am still achieving NOTHING.

I want to stop this obsessive thinking pattern that is driving all of the chances to notice the opportunities out there, out of my brain. I just can't seem to do it.

I still have this "someone will save me" type of thoughts. Like I felt when I was a kid being beaten by my father, like when I was married to an alcho....I feel trapped and helpless but at the same time I know no one will come, I know that it is all up to me. I know that what makes me this special person is that I can drive through the shit and make something shiny. Hell I have done it for so many other people, why is it so hard for me?

I really think I need a shrink to talk this shit through with, someone who can make constructive suggestions on how to break this thinking loop I am stuck in.

Cross Post

2006-01-25T07:18:00.000+11:00

This place has seemingly died so I'll cross-post some crappy live journal shit. Where is everybody?

*The Shit*

Apart from the new pregnancy ailment of carpal tunnel syndrome which sees me with numb hands and feet whilst sleeping and a numb left hand at all times, it's not been too bad this week. The oedema is still always there but it only gets bad when I do a lot of housework. Actually, the oedema causes the carpal tunnel. But anywayyyys...

Done a fair bit this week. Tanya came over yesterday and donated a pile of baby clothes, toys and wraps. That was cool. Been doing some PC work for friends too. I've done some for Vanessa already and I'm doing more today. Evie is coming to play with Caitlin. I have no idea what I'll do tomorrow - Australia Day - perhaps nothing. Apparently Saturday is Chinese New Year and Hurstville's streets get shut down for a parade. Might go to mum's and see that. Maybe.

I've been having vivid dreams again. Weird ones. I won't go into them though. I couldn't be stuffed.

I weigh 88.5kg. So that's 29.5kg weight gain for the pregnancy so far. I read that I should have gained 11 - 14kg :(

Naughty Little Doggies

2006-01-19T08:10:00.000+11:00

At times our doggies are quite cute. However, despite them eating, sleeping and playing together. They also fight. My mum got this shot of them.

Unix is the leg biter and Kaos is the mean looking one. In general, Kaos is more intelligent and also the obvious boss. Unix is cuter.

Telling It Like It Is

2006-01-13T14:21:00.000+11:00

Despite people thinking I am this hard faced bitch who just dishes out shit whenever she feels like it, I am really someone who is well aware (probably too aware) of what people are thinking and say what needs to be said anyway. Yes I am confronting in that way, but it saves time and confusion in a life that is no where near long enough.

Thing is people have agendas and motivations that will over ride even the most common sense types of behaviours and I am often left thinking to myself, why bother? Why bother being nice to someone who wants to get into the pants of someone else and so will make ridiculous excuses for their hysterical reactions. Why bother staying friends with people who at the drop of a hat will turn on you, after using and enjoying your help?

Narrowed Eyes

2006-01-11T22:17:00.000+11:00

I came good yesterday. Until then I had literally been a blubbering mess. The day before I made the decision it was time to go back to the doctors and face whatever it was that was making me be like I was. The blood tests showed thyroid and liver function was fine.

While my hair is still falling out and my eyes are still funny the emotional lability has buggered off, so I can work now.

Maybe it's menopause?

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

2006-01-11T07:47:00.000+11:00

The title could easily pertain to two things.

1. Gramyre - it's unlike you to disappear from here for so long. Poor Morticia is mortified.
2. This baby - it can come out whenever it likes now :P

I'm starting to experience real boredom again. I had been proud to say that I hadn't felt bored in around 15 years. Now I am starting to get fed up. The good news is that I wander out the front door and think 'mmm...lovely weather. Wish I could ride my bike' and I drive past the local mountains thinking 'Can't wait to climb there again'. So maybe it won't be so hard to get back into the swing of things.

Maybe one day soon I'll also have something to talk about again. When you're sitting at home most of the time nothing much happens. Maybe I should watch Dr Phil and find something to talk about :(

Dontcha Hate It When...

2006-01-06T13:39:00.000+11:00

You want to say something but you have nothing to say?

HIPPO GNU DEER!

2006-01-01T09:24:00.000+11:00

Just so I can be the first to say it...

Happy New Year folks!

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know...

2005-12-30T09:01:00.000+11:00

I should replace my avatar because I look nothing like that now. I'm back at the heaviest I ever got to - 85.5kg. Yes, there's some baby in there but I have 9 weeks to go. 9 weeks of sitting around because I can't do much else. Back to square one in 6 short months. I knew that giving up my exercise would do that. I want to cry too now.

Hopefully some of it is fluid retention. I've got a lovely case of oedema (fluid retention causing swelling) in my feet. My feet feel like they're going to explode.

Doctors

2005-12-29T20:09:00.000+11:00

I was a good girl today and this morning when the emotional plain was too much I rang the medical centre and made an appointment. As usual the after Christmas rush for healing meant there was no appointments available till 5:10pm, I spent the day mostly sleeping and crying.

I hate having to explain myself to the doctor. I sat there crying and telling him that I was in a mess, this wasn't and isn't like me. I am a rock normally. He said I was his second Graves Disease patient today and sent me for a blood test and told me to come back after I had had it. On my return he did something I hate but have had to put up with several times before. He said something that made me doubt myself. He said "are you sure it's not just Christmasitis?".

When I was about 19 I went to bed on a Tuesday, woke up on a Thursday and had to crawl to the phone to call in sick to work. I then took myself to the local hospital. They told me I was a malingerer.

At 27, just after I had my second child I went to my local GP for something trivial and mentioned that I had a numb patch on my face. He mentioned MS and sent me off to get some scans and to go to my usual doctor for the results (he was just on at the weekends). When I went to see her for the results she told me that she knew all about MS and although my brain was as shrunken as an old person's she believed there was nothing more wrong with me than stress.

So the "Chrismasitis" comment threw me for a second or two while I compiled my symptoms

* Uncontrollable crying
* angry mood swings
* Pounding heart
* Blurred Vision
* Painful eyeballs
* Hair falling out
* Hot sweaty hands
* Twitchiness

and I said " No I really think something is wrong" when I should have really said "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM HERE? FOR SYMPATHY?"

Geeze I hope the bloodtest comes back with something wrong or I am going to look like some kind of hypochondriac.

Descent

2005-12-27T20:01:00.000+11:00

My hair has started falling out again. I have some (well a lot) of trouble not crying. Time to go to get a blood test and talk to a doctor.

Happy Xmas

2005-12-24T09:44:00.000+11:00

It's that time of year - The time of travel.

I'll be journeying for four hours today to go home and then an hour before dawn tomorrow to catch the little fellow before he wakes up, then an hour back for xmas lunch. Three quarters of an hour to the traditional boxing day brunch, an hour and a quarter to get him back home and another hour to get me and the car back. Oh, and another four hours when I return here - which may be anywhere from boxing day to sometime after New Years day.

I hate traveling :(

HAPPY XMAS ATOMICAN BLOG!

Eye Of The Tiger

2005-12-19T16:17:00.000+11:00

Today was a crunch day for me as I could not put up with it any more. The old peepers are getting on in years and I am finding it harder and harder to focus on things up close, and more recently far away too. So it was trip to the Optometrist time.

I do try to get my eyes checked yearly anyway so it's not so much of a shock. Ever since I was about 6-ish I have had a lazy right eye that turns in a little. Some people find that sexy, some people don't even notice it. I wore a patch over my "good" eye for a long time (well whatever a long time is in kiddy time frame) and was pretty mortified to be looking like a freak. It did however put me in good stead for the freaky uncontrollable hair and braces that turned up during my teenage years.

But a lazy eye is not the issue here. I am now officially long sighted...in one eye. The other eye seems to be pretty OK (I think).

I had the happy chore of picking out a nice pair of frames for the glasses I will be wearing for working on the PC and reading. I have never EVER owned a pair of sunnies that made me look half decent so I was a little reticent about what to get. Did I want stern school ma'am-ish or hippy or what? I finally settled on a pair of half frames in funky red.

They looks something like this...but nothing like it at the same time. Ill get a photo when they come in later in the week

Too Much Work

2005-12-18T22:28:00.000+11:00

I think I just emailed my goodbyes to a previously close friend and you know, I don't feel sad. I feel relieved. I've seen her lose all her friends in the same way as she just lost me. She's one of those people that you go visit and it turns into a session where you bitch about the people you're closest to. I'm not like that normally but she hasn't had a single friend that she doesn't have a problem with. She's always pissed off with someone for something. Her biggest gripes always being when her friends find new partners and suddenly stop having so many days out together or not inviting her to tag along wherever they go. She suddenly thinks she's being treated like scum or something. She doesn't understand that this is normal for new couples and that she will naturally see less of them anyway because they have to share their time around a little more. Anyway, I could go into the whole he said, she said but I'm not like that and there's no point anyway. It all seems like too much trouble.

Meh. Worked another 10 hour day (plus 3 hours driving). It's getting hard now. My feet doth protest. Not much Homecare work left to do though. I'm finishing this month for a while at least. Bending over at 150 front doors in one day is getting to be too much. Pity though. I think I'm going to vegetablise without it :(

Hucky Puck!

2005-12-18T07:29:00.000+11:00

Have I ever told you I am considered to be a lucky person? I don't consider it "luck" because things happen way too frequently to make it a chance occurrence but I have this habit of more often than not winning things. Weird?

Just in the last two weeks I have attended two functions that have have lucky door prizes or raffles. Now I don't usually win things in raffles, after years of buying tickets in them I had resigned myself to the fact that if I had to pay to enter a draw then my karma driven rewards just didn't come to me.

Anyway a week or so ago was Atomic Live05. Apart from having a lucky door prize for those people that stayed right to the end there was also a booth that had an entry box for filling out a small form. You could enter as many times as you liked and many people did. I entered once.

Come the awards ceremony (which was hosted by one of my heroes Dr Karl ) _Haunt_ says the magic words to me "so what are you going to win today?" He's said this many times to me and I always seem to reply "it's not like that!" But he has the ultimate confidence that yes I will win something, I on the other hand feel that winning is some spiritual thing that occurs because I have my senses totally opened to possibilities, or maybe it is because ...look I don't really know. It just happens, and too often for it to be chance (though _Haunt_ will argue that!).

So yeah the names start being called for the prizes and I win a new graphics card(which I will now need to build a whole PC around as I didn't have a PCI Express compatible motherboard yay!). One entry in 100's and I snag a prize. I got to kiss my hero!

Then they draw the lucky door prizes and I win a double pass to the after party (free booze and food) and as I was already going I was able to make 2 people happier by giving them the tickets.

Fast forward to last night and the NSW Astronomical Society's Christmas dinner. I have a bit of a history of winning things from the astronomical society. _HaunT_ and I's first 'date' was to go to their long weekend star party. I won second prize in the lucky door draw, a telescope mount. The next year I won first prize, $3000+ of telescope (mind you last year I won nothing :)

As the function was in a small country club and there wasn't much to do and I haven't played the poker machines in many years, I dragged _HaunT_ ( a bit of a pokie hater) in for a go. We walked out to dinner $125 richer. Sitting at our table we bumped into people we were sitting with the year before and got chatting. _HaunT_ had already asked me what I was going to win, and I had explained again that as the raffle tickets for the night were bought then I wouldn't win anything. I had bought 6 tickets (@3 for $20) because we had won on the pokies and could afford to buy 3 more than I was going to originally.

First prize was a telescope and no I did not win that (nor did I expect to because of my prior track record). Second prize was a pair of German binoculars and bingo! Up came one of our ticket numbers. Yay! Then third prize was drawn which was the choice of one of two beautifully framed star pictures and yep, you guessed it, me again. I chose the picture of the trifid galaxy (see below!) but the picture is much nice than what you see here.

I don't know why it happens, this winning thing, it just does. I have been buying Boystown Art Union tickets for over 6 years now and not won a cracker. I saw that as one of my charitable donations because I never won anything where you had to buy into it. But maybe now things have changed...!

I have excorcised the demons!

2005-12-14T16:54:00.000+11:00

It took a long time but 1 month ago I woke up to myself some what. After 5 years of heavy and dangerous drinking I was given another chance.
I knocked my self out with a bottle of spirits and a box of pills, I was found, an ambulance came to get me. While the pills weren't strong enough I was very likely to choke own my own spew or some such thing, so I am told.

I wouldn't say it was one of those life changing moments where I instantly snapped and all my worries were gone, I don't know if it ever really happens quite like that, but I took it as a good enough excuse to wake the fuck up.

I got in touch with the people I needed to, went on medication, started a rehab program of sorts, 4 weeks later here I am and it's finished. I haven't touched a drop of alochol in that time and it's the longest I have been sober in 5 years. May not seem long to some but for the amount I drank and the regularity it has caused enough problems already.

The booze also led to other drug habits that took a hold on me in the past also, the real addiction has always been the alcohol though, I first got drunk when I was 14 and it became a semi-regular habit. I was suspended from school for being drunk on one occassion at 16, but that was after many times of turning up drunk and not being noticed. I'd often take small bottles to school and drink them before classes just for something to do, at the time I didn't know why. I guess I still don't totally understand why.

Over the next couple of years I didn't really drunk but when I did I got drunk, maybe only a few times in two years, I had a distraction, that being a girlfriend and we were pretty serious.
Ofcourse when that ended so did the responsibility, I hit the bottle hard, eventually leading to me drinking every night and getting drunk, it then led to me drinking during lunch at work, falling to sleep at work and generally being unreliable.

Most people don't understand how you can have a problem with alcohol, for most it's something you can start and stop with ease, in the past I would have agreed but not for the past 5 years.
Over this time I did alot of stupid things, including suicidal behaviour like running at oncomming cars on highways and such. I knew I had a problem with depression since my late teens but I found a way to avoid my problem by just drinking more. I did try a counsellor for a while and I have been on medications but generally over the last 5 years I self medicated mostly with alcohol but also with a large collection of different drugs, either prescription or illicit most of which I didn't obtain through the doctor.

I tried to ignore my problems for so long and I know so many people that do the same, now I am sober though I have to face these problems and it's harder than any hangover, redundancy or relationship breakup I have been through but for the first time I feel like I can handle it.

It's all far from over anyhow, my psych believes I have borderline personality disorder, I am going for further assessment on the 20th, if they agree with the her diagnosis then I go into sign into a psychotherapy centre for 2 sessions a week lasting atleast a year.

Even as a kid I was never quite "right" but as they do people just put it down to me being a kid or just being one of the boys, either way I am glad that there may actually be a way to treat whatever it is that makes me feel I have to try and destroy myself as quickly as possible. While I take full responsibility for everything I have ever done it is a relief to know there may be something underlying that is aiding the issue, it atleast gives me an angle of attack and it explains why neither the medications or therapies I had tried before were very successful.

Thanks for reading, I am probably all over the shop but that's how it goes.

P.S. there are many other factors to the story like growing up with an abusive alcoholic and a two close family members killing themselves but I am trying to focus on my own internal issues so that I can deal with those issues.

Hmm 2 month Horiday

2005-12-07T08:02:00.000+11:00

Well, well, well. I haven't been working for about 3 months now and for a while I was actively looking for work but I quickly lost all motivation and rarely leave the house now.

Anyway, I sees the Doc the other day and I says Doc, I says, hi.
Doc asks me how I am, we discuss the current medications etc etc and other shit, but before I am to leave she fills out a medical certificate saying I am unfit for work for atleast 2 months.

So that eases the pressure some what, I was quite surprised she did it but I am glad.
Got me thinking though, there have been other times where I was probably quite unfit for work, maybe moreso than now yet I went and eventually got stressed out and did stupid shit like put my fist through a wall at work.

The End.

Dirty Old Women

2005-12-06T22:17:00.000+11:00

My sister and I and my two kids went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire tonight. I really enjoyed the movie and as I don't read the books, didn't notice or know that large chunks were not included in the movie.

I miss though the lush opulent feel that the first movie had. The second one was as stark as a cell and I found it hard to get the inner child excited about going to school in such a cold drab looking place. No matter if I was learning magic or not. This one had so much action that taking note of the interior decoration was difficult. Action and semi naked teenage boys.

I couldn't help but wonder who on earth this movie was aimed at. It certainly titillated our interest seeing Ron Weasley filling out nicely into an attractive young man. Are teenage girls supposed to flock to the movies because they have crushes on Harry or Ron?

And why don't they let Neville Longbottom get his freaking teeth fixed?

Anyway as some people know I am a mad fan of dragons and the dragon in this movie is quite spectacular. Loved it!

I give Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 8 chocolate frogs out of 10.

Right Place Right Time

2005-12-05T18:27:00.000+11:00

Sometimes you just have to be there. Like this morning when I went to my homepage (which happens to be the Sydney Morning Herald and there was an article about nude calendars to get people back into the church. I click on the link and was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED to see this!

I bet they were enthusiastic about the project those filthy filthy religious types. We all KNOW the Bible is filled with anal,solo,animal sex and other means of fornication. But to post pictures of it in our pristine clean media outlets is UNFORGIVABLE!

2005-12-04T16:08:00.000+11:00

Party Time

2005-12-04T08:44:00.000+11:00

I'm about to leave for my mum's. The Catholic Club across the road from her are holding a children's Christmas show. The tickets are free so she got some. Last year was The Rugrats and this year it's The Simpsons. Oh joy, oh joy. lol

I think mum and I should just slip out and drink tea and coffee :D

Next weekend it's the Atomic BBQ on the 10th...and my best friend's university graduation BBQ on the 10th. I really want to go to both. I'm thinking I will go to Atomic at Bronte, then to my friends on the North Shore for her BBQ at lunch time, then go back to Bronte. It's a bt of a pain though. My daughter was also invited to a birthday party down here on the 10th. I wish I could ask the girl's mum (who I've been acquainted with for about 7 years) if Caitlin could sleep over the night before but somehow that seems a big ask when they're planning a party. I'm in two minds. Caitlin is currently very sad about it.

Oh well...

Parachute

2005-12-03T18:31:00.000+11:00

My family, like all other families, is unique. We are not the type of family that depends on weekly visits or constant communication. We will get in contact if there is a crisis or at special times of the year. I rang my mum when I was in hospital with MS, my sister rang me when he son was hit by a car, my other sister rang me when she went into labour when her car was being repaired. If it is less of a crisis we may hear about it a bit later or by sms or email. My sister told me a week or so later when she had pinned her daughter to the garage wall with her car (only broke her arm).

Special times of the year are Birthdays and Christmas but I will also send out hellos at Easter, mother and father's days.

We act like everyone's parachute. Not much happens when its not needed, it sits there quietly. But when needed we are there ready to be used.

We have an interesting communication dynamic of who will speak to who (sometimes only if they have to).

The above does work on scales of tolerance. I am child 1 and will speak to anyone if they speak to me. But I don't include child 4 on my birthday wishes as I don't have their contact details and they have deigned to keep them to themselves. So when I see them at Christmas I will say Hi.

But as child 1 you can see I speak to everyone in the family. So it was surprising when on my birthday the only greeting I got was from my sister who stays here 3 times a week. Mind you it was her birthday the day before mine and I had messaged her so she could hardly not contact me.

But I have no idea what I have done to put myself in the "does not speak to" column. Especially after they had RSVP'd (in the negative of course but that was to be expected) to my birthday party invitation that _HaunT_ sent out.

Buggered if I know.

w00ties!!!

2005-12-01T14:35:00.000+11:00

Happy Birthday Grams!!!

Sorry...Australia Post must have lost your present!

You Are All Bastards!

2005-11-30T19:26:00.000+11:00

One day till my birthday and not one thing in the mail apart from the welcome letter from Jack Green telling me they will be charging me $170 a month for electricity for the next few years. I feel good about doing stuff for the environment but holy fuck that's a lot of power bill.

I am so glad my birthday is tomorrow and not on Friday. What with all this depressing hanging of Australian drug smugglers and all. My birthday only co-incides with the cheerful World AIDS Day. Wasn't I overjoyed when they announced that! Nothing like the thought of a terrible disease on your birthday.

I you check here tomorrow you can see all the other shit that went down on my birthday. Most of it is dull, but it was the day that Rosa Parks sent a big black FUCK YOU to the white American world by not moving to the back of the bus.

One more sleep!!

You Have To Laugh

2005-11-29T11:52:00.000+11:00

I know at least one of our readers out there *waves to Morticia* will understand what I am going to rave on about today.

Having Multiple Sclerosis means you get fairly organised about certain parts of your life. You may not have your house clean or your finances under control, but by god you have a good idea about what places you will be visiting will to have stairs, air-conditioning and handy toilets.

With my change in job I have to go 2 days a week into St Leonards (about 15kms away). I have been driving it the last few weeks but the $30 a day in parking, tolls and petrol was making that choice a bad one. Next I looked at trains but that was just too logistically difficult when I compared it to taking the bus.

Taking the bus. Sounds so simple. I am sure way back when I would not have thought twice about taking the bus. My children have been catching the bus to school since they were in single digit ages. Nothing to worry about. But worry I did.

I work hard at looking normal. On a good day you will see me striding confidently down the road and think nothing at all was up. But in that confident image is a woman who has thought long and hard about road crossing, footpath conditions, clothes and in particular shoes, to ensure my grip on this earth feels as steady as possible.

Back to the bus. First consideration is the 150 metre walk to the bus stop along roads with no footpath, dragging along a laptop in a wheelie bag. Do I wear office heels and totter along? (Which is a laugh as they are less than an inch high, but high enough to scare the part of me that screams “you can’t feel your feet!”) Do I pop on runners and swap shoes over in the office. Can my hands manage to pull the wheelie bag AND carry a shopping bag with office heels in it as well? Can I manage to do all that PLUS climb into the bus, pay for the ticket, and sit down without a) falling over and/or b) tipping the contents of the bags/wallet all over the place?

To add an extra dimension to this puzzle was the fact that it has been raining here for the last few days. Indeed it was raining this morning when I woke. So chuck in whether I could carry all of the above PLUS an umbrella. A large golfing sized umbrella.

Choices needed to be made and I went the minimalist route. No running shoes and no umbrella. I think I made the right choice too. The bus was late and full of damp people with cranky expressions and wet umbrellas. I elegantly forced myself on, paid without flinging coins in the drivers face and grabbed a seat next to a large snoring man.

I bet no one guessed what a victory that was for me. No slip ups today! Now tomorrow I have to catch that same bus again…..

I'm Nicola Tesla

2005-11-27T12:21:00.000+11:00

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Buttercup

2005-11-26T21:57:00.000+11:00

The Formal [noun]: Abbreviation of the term "formal occasion". Australian equivalent to Valedictorian dinner. Not as formal as a debutante ball.
_______

For the last two nights my son has been at that highschool students' gateway to Australian adulthood, the Year 10 formal. One night to escort a partner who attends an all girls school, one night to his own. Alone. While some parents look glowingly down on their children as they trot off, dressed to the nines, my mind was cast back to the horror that was my Year 10 formal.

Starting with the dress. Oh my goodness. The dress.

I came from a poor family who did not have the money to fund some amazing concoction of lace, taffeta and tulle. My parents had insisted that I get a casual job as soon as I was able and pay one third of all I earned to my parents as board and lodgings. The lure of 2/3rds of $3.50 an hour was just too much for a poor girl like me, so I shook hands on the deal and grabbed a job at the local Mexican family restaurant that had opened across the road from the graveyard.

After the board and lodgings deal I knew better than to even ask my parents to help with the purchase of any dress, and I knew that I could not afford anything like what the other girls would have. So I scoured the shops for the closest thing that look passable, without being too embarrassing.

I found it in a discount clothing seconds outlet.

In my adolescent brain, shiny material meant "expensive looking", yellow meant "favourite colour". What shiny yellow did not mean to me then, but does to me now is "buttercup". This dress was more like a sun dress than a formal occasion and so I purchased a pair of strappy yellow sandals to go with it (what other colour shoes can you get to go with yellow?).

I don't have any pictures to prove how bad this really looked (my father tore up all photographs of the family when my parents marriage fell apart). Maybe it was OK. I don't remember crying in toilets and I had a bunch of supportive friends who would have lied to make sure I felt alright about my outfit. But I stood out like a sore thumb and I was acutely aware of how different I looked to all of the other participants.

So when your child is heading out the door and they look like this (see below) tell them they look wonderful, because it is pretty hard being a buttercup amongst a field full of roses when you are 16.

I'm With Stupid

2005-11-25T20:30:00.000+11:00

I have been on the internet for a long time. A bloody long time. I have also lived life fairly fully in my XX number of years on this planet. So it was about 1999 that I came to the conclusion that everyone who uses the internet for more than 4 hours a week has a psychological illness.

Here is a link to a fabulous cornucopia of illnesses being demonstrated. Paranoia, defensiveness, uncontrolled aggression and the list goes on.

I have diagnosed my illness as being a short term memory thing. I KNOW that in a forum setting people degenerate into total fucktards in a crowd (much as they do drunk in real life). I KNOW that the majority of them are loveless spoilt brats that would rather point the finger at others than adjust their own behaviour. Yet I still try and protect the forum because I feel responsible for it. Damn you short term memory thing, the place has changed. The Gen Ys are in and they are pissing on the white carpet!

No wonder I prefer not to write there any more.

Leaving my job and starting photobucket account

2005-11-24T21:22:00.000+11:00

Hi Everyone,
My name is darrkon. After 5.5 years, I am leaving my job. Another job was offered to me, but I might not be able to take it, since the starting date collides with when i am able to leave, but never mind, I am sure I will find something better.

Of late, not a lot has happened. Work has been bogged down with some major projects that are running way over deadline, and the client site contains a guy that always complains.. true most of the time he is right about how shit things have been organized by my company, but still, after a while I just dont want to hear it. Fortunatley I will be leaving soon (3 weeks from today) and then it will all be over. I will either have my new job, or be looking for another, but its a big change in my life either way.

Of also much excitement to report is my photobucket account, which you can view here:

http://photobucket.com/albums/c397/darrkon/
(edited by Gramyre)

Sorry, I dont know how the html and shit work for this fucking piece of shit thing, so you will have to copy and paste the link manually. Its worth it though, theres some of my finest picture collections in it, and it will grow ever more.... Plus I am thinking of registering to get 1gb of space and no banner ads.. so wont that be fucking dandy.

Besides this, nothing really going on. I am having a $950 car stereo upgrade on Saturday which I hope will be quite exciting (all pioneer equipment). This includes a 12" sub in a custom designed enclosure, a 6cd pioneer stacker and 4 x 60w amp. All installed in my civic.

IRC is lots of fun, and I am still scavenging the Internet for pictures.

Love you lots and hope to talk soon.

Love,
Darrkon

7 Sleeps Till My Birthday

2005-11-24T14:26:00.000+11:00

Every year I hope that my friends, family and acquaintances know me well enough, and have listened hard enough to the things I have mentioned I would like. Alas I have only met a few people that get the same enjoyment out of picking a gift that will be exactly what the person wants or would like. Most people seem to do some strange "oh I don't know what to get so I'll just grab these...towels...yeah they will be just what she wants!".

My mother is the queen of buying bizarre presents. For my 21st birthday she bought me a small clown doll sitting next to a pot of silk flowers, encased in a clear plastic box. Hmmm. Well I know I wasn't living at home at the time, and I know everyone else would normally get a party and some nice coming of age momento, but what did I do that was so bad to DESERVE a small clown doll? I don't even like clowns. One Christmas she bought my ex-husband a kids shampoo and conditioner set. Two Christmases ago she bought me some stone dolphins. Maybe the strange present choice is something to do with my buying her gin as a present most Mother's Days.

Well to avoid all of that I have this year drawn up a wish list. It is a special birthday so I think I am allowed to semi-dictate my wishes. I have given you a week to go out and get them before the party. They aren't listed in any particular order and they cover the budget spectrum. You can even nominate what you are getting in the comments section if you wish. Saves on the doubling up and having to fight it out who is going to return the gift. Links are suggestions only of the type of thing I want, no need to actually purchase them where I have said.

Gramyre's Birthday Wishlist

2 x 300 gig sata drives
PDA Mobile phone
2006 organisor (small enough to fit in handbag, big enough not to go blind reading it)
handbag shop gift voucher
Coloured diamond
Plastic surgery gift voucher
PC Game Gift Voucher
Books and Stuff

Ugh

2005-11-23T18:46:00.000+11:00

It's the best photo I could get out of Jeremy...he likes to be arty and isn't too good with the focus on my camera but oh well.

I am nearly 26 weeks gone and I am really starting to feel it. Getting into and out of bed is hard. I can't get comfortable. Baby is a real kicker. I'm often out of breath and my heart races. I have put on 20kg exactly. All this and I still have 14 weeks left!

Anyways, I'm still distributing Homecare magazines and hope I can keep it up. I went for a swim this weekend and I want to get back into that too. I am praying I never lose the motivation to be active entirely. It was really hard to get motivated the first time round and I know that if I ever stop, it's going to be just as hard to get back into it. It really, really scares me.

Enough jabbering from me.

How Much Is Your Service ?

2005-11-23T08:17:00.000+11:00

I have had my mobile phone number for at least 5 years. I am not one of those people that seem to change their number every 6 months and have multiple entries in your address books. I have stuck with my number through thick and thin. I have refused the lure of great plans and hot new hardware. I have not even THOUGHT of changing my number....well that part is not quite true.

You see, about a year ago I started getting strange calls. Just getting a call in itself was strange as I use my phone mainly for business calls or to ring the children to say I am going to be late. I ring people, people don't ring me (probably because I have trouble getting to the ringing phone in my bag before if goes to voicemail). My home-made ringtone (the Harry Potter theme) is rarely heard in the average week.

But when it did ring the conversations would go something like this...

[cue Harry Potter]
*scramble about in handbag madly to find phone before it cuts off after two rings*

Me: Hello, Gramyre speaking
Male Voice: Hi do you have a spot free this afternoon?
Me: Errr what?
Male Voice: Oh sorry wrong number *hangs up*

Or the alternate

Me: Hello, Gramyre speaking
Male Voice: How much are your services?
Me: What???
Male Voice: Oh sorry wrong number *hangs up*

Once I finally cottoned on to what these gentlemen were asking I became curious as to why they were calling MY number. Did I have a secret enemy that had scrawled my number on a toilet wall somewhere. Was it *god forbid* ON THE INTERNET? Who would have done such a thing.

I put on my detective hat and noted that every call was coming through from Melbourne numbers (those that had their numbers displaying) so it wasn't something local and it wasn't something on the internet *phew*. It took several attempts to talk to these men to get to the bottom of it all. Understandably they didn't feel like sticking around to chat about trying to engage a prostitute, even if it was with the total stranger that they had just rung and asked if they could book in for "an all services plus a flogging with a tennis racquet".

It seems that a lady regularly advertises her services in a local newspaper in Melbourne. Nothing unusual there. And although her number is similar to mine, it is still printed quite correctly in the paper. What seems to happen is these men who are probably panting and frothing at the mouth for a good rogering, were consistently getting one number wrong and end up talking to a bemused woman thousands of kilometres away.

From the amount of wrong number calls I get (and they would only be a small percentage of the number of calls she would get in total) I would say this lady is doing quite well in her business! Alas now although I have not changed my mobile phone number I do let any Melbourne number go through to my voicemail that clearly states they have rung "Gramyre of XYZ company".

It's when they have an unlisted number that they still catch me out.

*Harry Potter theme plays*

Me: Hello, Gramyre speaking....you want WHAT?!?!

8 sleeps till my birthday

Shameless Self Promotion

2005-11-20T17:38:00.000+11:00

In trying to recoup some of the money I spent on my holiday in Vietnam I have created this. It would make a fabulous Christmas present for that kooky Aunt or work colleague who is always going on about travel....or whatever. BUY NOW

11 sleeps till my birthday

If I Want To Know How You Feel I'll Read Your Blog

2005-11-19T16:34:00.000+11:00

You know what? I want to have a high traffic blog like the BIG blogs that dot the net. I think I have what it takes to write pithy stories of my childhood, bag the crap out of celebrities and take a political view that is cutesied up with my off-beat sense of humour.

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

I am not sure WHY I would want that though. And proclaiming you want such a thing is kind of verboten on the net. All big bloggers will say "oh I just started this little thing for my friends and family" but I say bollocks to that! I want BIG I want BOOK DEALS I want to work from home and earn $500 a week doing NOTHING.

To that end I think I will be going solo (blogging not masturbating)as part of my BIG DREAM WEBSITE sometime soon.

12 sleeps to my birthday

Watch this for a laugh

I Can't Believe I am An Adult

2005-11-18T18:49:00.000+11:00

I don't know about you, because many of you are not quite adults...yet, but I often have periods of age confusion. You see my birthday is coming up soon. One of those fabulous birthdays that end in zero and have cards that mention droopy tits and being over the hill and life beginning at *0. Trouble is my brain, depending on mood and circumstance, believes it is somewhere between 11 and 17 years old. Well either 11 or 17 actually, no in-between.

I am sure psychiatrists would make a packet out of getting me to try and grow up, but I really don't want to. I love giggling at dirty jokes. I love being silly when I go shopping. I cannot BELIEVE that I have a CAR and I am allowed to drive it on the ROAD!

My work colleagues see me as some smiley competent woman striding purposefully through the office, dealing with crises faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap emergencies in a single bound. Whereas I see myself playing dress ups every morning putting on the power suit and the pointy shoes and tottering off to earn ridiculously huge sums of money (please Miss can I have 40,000 Mars bars!).

While all of this seems a lot of fun, there are times when I am absolutely paralyzed with fear. This is when I look in the mirror and the little girl face I expect to see smiling back at me is instead MY MOTHER'S FACE. How on earth did that happen? Jowls for fuck sake! If I had the cash I would have the face tacked up (along with the guts removed).

13 days till my birthday

Goddamnit!

2005-11-16T22:21:00.000+11:00

I've just finished watching the series 'Taken'. Dontcha hate those really sad endings where for a while afterwards you can't help but feel melancholy?

What's up with this Goddamned weather. It went from about 35 degrees to 10 in less than an hour here yesterday and it's still freezing. I thought I'd said goodbye to winter for a while. Grrrr!

I Am Back

2005-11-15T15:10:00.000+11:00

And if you haven't read my travel blog and looked at the beautiful pictures then do so NOW!

http://backpackingvietnam.blogspot.com

Seems like the blog took baby steps while I was away. Boooo to the lazy people who never post anything. I SHAME you. SHAME!!

Started my new job and things are not going as well as I would like with me making simple mistake after simple mistake. Mind you only I really know I am making the mistakes...so it's me kicking my own arse.

Coming up to my birthday in the next couple of weeks. Prepare for whinging!

Funniest porn trailer ever

2005-11-12T17:11:00.000+11:00

This was posted on SA and is definitely too racy for the Atomic Forums so I thought I'd share it here.

There is video and just the soundtrack which is 90% as funny and still hilarious for those who don't look at porn. YES THIS IS PORN, A PORN TRAILER TO BE EXACT BUT STILL VERY NEWS!

Video

MP3

So fucking classy that I can't stop laughing.

Proud

2005-11-08T22:05:00.000+11:00

The boy, as he is known and shall be known, came bearing proud news in the form of a secret he wouldn't tell me over the phone - Odd in itself since he whispers all his secrets to me in our nightly calls.

His kindergarten group had done an Intelligence test of types and he had "won"! What his mother explained to me was it was part general knowledge/part intelligence measuring. A lot of colour, pattern, shape type questions were used and he scored 100/100 for it, his nearest rival being on 83/100. His highlight was that no-one else knew what a hexagon was!

We've known for a while he inherited my memory, which has always been good - managed to get me through school in pretty good shape despite my poor attendance, poor study habits and all the other shit. All he needs to do is settle a little and start showing a bit more respect for authority figures and he'll do well at school and we're working on that.

Joel on...

2005-11-05T01:00:00.000+11:00

No, I'm not the cool Joel Software dude

Other Posts
Got rid of that other post that probably didn't need posting. Thank you newt, much needed banter there!

Life
Life is as good as it should be but I don't seem to be enjoying it as much as I should. Maybe wallowing a little, in self pity as much as procrastination or anything else.

The weekend
Hopefully taking the little one out and about, maybe the aquarium or maybe back to the zoo and definitely want to hit the museum again soon - It's hard to choose and Tyler's innate sense of choosing will lead to the most expensive choice.

People
I really want to meet more people yet I so want to be alone for a little while longer. I really ned to make some new friends outside my current circle though, it's feeling a little inbred.

Woohoo!

2005-11-03T07:43:00.000+11:00

Goddamn but I love summer!

Bed Bugs

2005-10-29T05:25:00.000+10:00

I got a problem.

Our mattress needed replacing. My mum kindly offered to pay for one because Jeremy was getting a bad back from it and when Jeremy is tossing and turning, naturally I wake up too. So, she bought herself a bed and rang to tell us of this strange bed made from some material developed for NASA that is like foam, but is guaranteed to return to it's natural shape when you move off it. It also has nil roll so your partner doesn't get disturbed. So we went and tested it. Jeremy declared it to be fine. We laid on another bed too. Both only got a 2 minute lay down as jeremy hates bed testing but he said he was happy with it so we got it. It cost $1600.

Within a night he was uncomfortable with it and it's getting worse. We're all awake at 5am every morning (nil roll doesn't stop all the other signs that Jeremy is getting up or the fact that this house is very thin walled). So what the hell do we do? Live like this for the next 10 years? We can't exactly send it back and it cost $1600 fucking dollars! Bad karma!