I Am Still Broken
What can I say. I came good for a week or so but again my ship is foundering on the rocks. It is not sadness as such. I am only sad when I think about how sad I feel (not much of this is going to make sense to those who haven't felt this way). I can still perform my work, but my driving spark has died down somewhat. It does feel a bit like grief and at the same time not like grief.
I know for sure I am incredibly angry. Angry at my partner for still not having a job and his inability to just go out and get one. Angry that I have to carry everyone on my back if anything is to get done. Angry at a someone who is so out of touch with his "community" that he doesn't realise that the opportunity he once had is gone forever now. It could have been great, what a waste. And angry mostly at myself because I am not the average run of the mill type of person, but I am still achieving NOTHING.
I want to stop this obsessive thinking pattern that is driving all of the chances to notice the opportunities out there, out of my brain. I just can't seem to do it.
I still have this "someone will save me" type of thoughts. Like I felt when I was a kid being beaten by my father, like when I was married to an alcho....I feel trapped and helpless but at the same time I know no one will come, I know that it is all up to me. I know that what makes me this special person is that I can drive through the shit and make something shiny. Hell I have done it for so many other people, why is it so hard for me?
I really think I need a shrink to talk this shit through with, someone who can make constructive suggestions on how to break this thinking loop I am stuck in.
I know for sure I am incredibly angry. Angry at my partner for still not having a job and his inability to just go out and get one. Angry that I have to carry everyone on my back if anything is to get done. Angry at a someone who is so out of touch with his "community" that he doesn't realise that the opportunity he once had is gone forever now. It could have been great, what a waste. And angry mostly at myself because I am not the average run of the mill type of person, but I am still achieving NOTHING.
I want to stop this obsessive thinking pattern that is driving all of the chances to notice the opportunities out there, out of my brain. I just can't seem to do it.
I still have this "someone will save me" type of thoughts. Like I felt when I was a kid being beaten by my father, like when I was married to an alcho....I feel trapped and helpless but at the same time I know no one will come, I know that it is all up to me. I know that what makes me this special person is that I can drive through the shit and make something shiny. Hell I have done it for so many other people, why is it so hard for me?
I really think I need a shrink to talk this shit through with, someone who can make constructive suggestions on how to break this thinking loop I am stuck in.
posted by Allison Reynolds at 9:20 AM
1 Comments:
You have every reason to feel the way you do. It always feels worse after a holiday too.
The thing is, people don't take control of their own failings so long as they don't have to. Only once you stop giving your support and the situation has degraded so badly that something has to be done will they start to fix it. Occasionally you find someone who is totally incompetent but mostly they get by. Unfortunately it can be painful to watch and even more painful if you have to live with them.
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