I Did Something Today

Four loads of washing and four hours in Molten Core. Onyxia tomorrow and getting kids ready for school on Monday. Back to the regimented life for them. This next week will be a chorus of whinging about teachers and subjects before it calms down into a pleasant hum.

Decision Day

* Decided to make an appointment with a psychologist that is free through work
- Followed through and made the appointment for Tuesday arvo. Felt great after doing it.

*Decided to make a go with an alt account on the Atomic forums to see if I could stomach staying there
- Decided I couldn't, and have removed myself wholly and permanently from the forums. Staying around something that I get so angry with I feel sick every time I visit it just isn't very smart.

I Am Still Broken

What can I say. I came good for a week or so but again my ship is foundering on the rocks. It is not sadness as such. I am only sad when I think about how sad I feel (not much of this is going to make sense to those who haven't felt this way). I can still perform my work, but my driving spark has died down somewhat. It does feel a bit like grief and at the same time not like grief.

I know for sure I am incredibly angry. Angry at my partner for still not having a job and his inability to just go out and get one. Angry that I have to carry everyone on my back if anything is to get done. Angry at a someone who is so out of touch with his "community" that he doesn't realise that the opportunity he once had is gone forever now. It could have been great, what a waste. And angry mostly at myself because I am not the average run of the mill type of person, but I am still achieving NOTHING.

I want to stop this obsessive thinking pattern that is driving all of the chances to notice the opportunities out there, out of my brain. I just can't seem to do it.

I still have this "someone will save me" type of thoughts. Like I felt when I was a kid being beaten by my father, like when I was married to an alcho....I feel trapped and helpless but at the same time I know no one will come, I know that it is all up to me. I know that what makes me this special person is that I can drive through the shit and make something shiny. Hell I have done it for so many other people, why is it so hard for me?

I really think I need a shrink to talk this shit through with, someone who can make constructive suggestions on how to break this thinking loop I am stuck in.

Cross Post

This place has seemingly died so I'll cross-post some crappy live journal shit. Where is everybody?


*The Shit*

Apart from the new pregnancy ailment of carpal tunnel syndrome which sees me with numb hands and feet whilst sleeping and a numb left hand at all times, it's not been too bad this week. The oedema is still always there but it only gets bad when I do a lot of housework. Actually, the oedema causes the carpal tunnel. But anywayyyys...

Done a fair bit this week. Tanya came over yesterday and donated a pile of baby clothes, toys and wraps. That was cool. Been doing some PC work for friends too. I've done some for Vanessa already and I'm doing more today. Evie is coming to play with Caitlin. I have no idea what I'll do tomorrow - Australia Day - perhaps nothing. Apparently Saturday is Chinese New Year and Hurstville's streets get shut down for a parade. Might go to mum's and see that. Maybe.

I've been having vivid dreams again. Weird ones. I won't go into them though. I couldn't be stuffed.

I weigh 88.5kg. So that's 29.5kg weight gain for the pregnancy so far. I read that I should have gained 11 - 14kg :(

Naughty Little Doggies

At times our doggies are quite cute. However, despite them eating, sleeping and playing together. They also fight. My mum got this shot of them.

Unix is the leg biter and Kaos is the mean looking one. In general, Kaos is more intelligent and also the obvious boss. Unix is cuter.

Telling It Like It Is

Despite people thinking I am this hard faced bitch who just dishes out shit whenever she feels like it, I am really someone who is well aware (probably too aware) of what people are thinking and say what needs to be said anyway. Yes I am confronting in that way, but it saves time and confusion in a life that is no where near long enough.

Thing is people have agendas and motivations that will over ride even the most common sense types of behaviours and I am often left thinking to myself, why bother? Why bother being nice to someone who wants to get into the pants of someone else and so will make ridiculous excuses for their hysterical reactions. Why bother staying friends with people who at the drop of a hat will turn on you, after using and enjoying your help?

Narrowed Eyes

I came good yesterday. Until then I had literally been a blubbering mess. The day before I made the decision it was time to go back to the doctors and face whatever it was that was making me be like I was. The blood tests showed thyroid and liver function was fine.

While my hair is still falling out and my eyes are still funny the emotional lability has buggered off, so I can work now.

Maybe it's menopause?

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

The title could easily pertain to two things.

1. Gramyre - it's unlike you to disappear from here for so long. Poor Morticia is mortified.
2. This baby - it can come out whenever it likes now :P

I'm starting to experience real boredom again. I had been proud to say that I hadn't felt bored in around 15 years. Now I am starting to get fed up. The good news is that I wander out the front door and think 'mmm...lovely weather. Wish I could ride my bike' and I drive past the local mountains thinking 'Can't wait to climb there again'. So maybe it won't be so hard to get back into the swing of things.

Maybe one day soon I'll also have something to talk about again. When you're sitting at home most of the time nothing much happens. Maybe I should watch Dr Phil and find something to talk about :(

Dontcha Hate It When...

You want to say something but you have nothing to say?

HIPPO GNU DEER!

Just so I can be the first to say it...


Happy New Year folks!